All is Calm, All is Bright
by aka-elsie-snuffin
Summary: Tony thinks of Christmases past, and Gibbs gives us all the Christmas present we deserve. Tiva AU. One shot. Takes place during season 12.


AN: Happy holidays, everyone! Here's a fluffy little AU for you. Takes place in season 12.

* * *

He sweeps out of the bullpen in his usual brusque way. As he goes, he tells his agents, "Gonna be unreachable for a few days. DiNozzo's in charge."

As he waits for the elevator, he can feel three pairs of eyes on him. He doesn't look back at them. Instead, he smirks. He knows that as soon as he disappears into the elevator, they will be buzzing, trying to figure out the where, who, why, and how long of it all.

He's pretty confident none of them will guess correctly.

* * *

"Did he say anything to you that he was going anywhere?" Ellie asks Tony.

"Nope."

McGee pipes up. "Maybe he's going to Mexico to see Franks' granddaughter?"

Tony shrugs. "That's probably it. I wonder if he'll back for It's a Wonderful Life."

The team's yearly Christmas tradition, wherein they watch the classic movie in MTAC, eat popcorn, and drink mulled cider. It's the one Christmas thing in which Gibbs participates. A tradition started before Ellie. Back when Ziva was on the team.

At the thought of _her_ , he stops wondering about Gibbs' disappearing act and thinks about her instead. Her mischievous smile, her dark eyes that spoke volumes, her ninja reflexes. Her inability to understand idioms. The smell of her curly hair, the perfume she sometimes wore. The taste of her lips…

Mentally, he checks himself. _Stop torturing yourself._

He has finally overcome that feeling that he made the wrong decision - not that it was his decision at all. Or maybe he has finally figured out how to ignore it. He finally called his old colleague, Zoe, small and dark and new in all her familiarity, and asked her out. They'd had a few dates now.

But it's not the same, and he can't ignore it. Had he and Zoe reconnected before _her_ , it would have been different. He would have approached the relationship with the same zeal that he pursued other women, instead of dipping a toe in the water, afraid of drowning again. In the shadow of the one who got away.

He sends a flirty text message to Zoe, all the while thinking about the Israeli ninja who broke him.

* * *

The sun is beginning to set he walks up to the door of an old farmhouse. Olive trees cast twisted shadows behind the house, reminding him of Van Gogh, who he hates and who Shannon loved.

" _He went crazy and cut off his own ear, Shannon."_

" _That's what made him such a great painter."_

And with thoughts of that lost love, he knocks on the front door, noting the weathered workmanship.

The door creaks open and he expects to be greeted by the muzzle of a gun. Instead, her cautious face appears, forehead wrinkling in confusion. "Gibbs," she says by way of greeting, opening the door wider to let him in. "What are you doing here?"

The Ziva of old would have greeted him with the muzzle of a gun, or a knife. Always on the defensive. Now, he immediately gets the sense that she is more at peace, relaxed even.

She is still staring at him and he realizes he should explain himself. "Was in the neighborhood," he deadpans. Off her unamused look, he adds, "I'm here to bring you home."

At this, her eyes narrow and her guard goes up. "I am home," she retorts defensively.

He returns her gaze, ice blue eyes returning her challenge. "You're not. And you know it."

After a long moment, she blinks and looks away. "Would you like anything to drink?" she asks, moving to another room that he thinks is the kitchen.

"Naw," he replies, but she returns and hands him an open bottle of beer anyway. She settles onto a couch in the sparsely decorated room, another beer in hand, and gestures to a matching armchair nearby.

He sits, takes a sip of beer, and waits.

She gazes out a large window with a panoramic view of the olive orchard, brow knitted together. "Why did you come now?"

"It's been more than a year. It's time. And it's Christmas, and you should be with family"

"I am still… becoming the person whom I want to be."

"Aren't we all? You can do that anywhere."

At that, she looks at him. "How is the team?" she asks, calculatedly casual.

He smirks, knowing what information she seeks. "McGee's fine. We have a new person. She's smart but green. Abby's still Abby. Ducky's still Ducky."

After it becomes apparent that he has stopped talking, she sighs. He sees her wage an internal battle briefly, before asking, her voice hesitant. "And Tony?"

"He's fine." She waits, anticipating more. "Wasn't fine for a long time."

Her face is guarded, and he fights an impatient urge to shake her. Ask her if she really thinks he's so blind that he didn't know what was between the two of them. That if they had just admitted how they felt, he wouldn't have had to travel halfway across the world days before Christmas.

Then he thinks of Wives 2 through 4 and he knows he has no right.

"He's dating someone." Even though no one told him and he doesn't think anyone else knows, he does. His money is on that ATF agent who had worked with him in Philadelphia.

For the briefest moment, he sees the pain in her eyes before she carefully tucks it away. "Oh," she manages. "Good for him."

He looks at her then the way he looks at a suspect whom he knows is lying. She has been able to withstand that look in the past.

This time, she falters.

She spits out, "You came all the way here to tell me this? A phone call would not have been enough?"

This time, he fixes her with the look he used to give Kelly when she was being petulant. "It's not too late."

A shake of the head. "But you just said…"

"He's not serious about her. Not yet."

Finally, a flash of her old self appears. " _Why_ are you telling me this?" she demands.

He takes a sip of his beer before responding. "Because I know what regret is like. And I know what settling for second best is like." Then he shrugs and adds, "Plus, it's almost Christmas."

This is all he wants to say to her. If she needs him to spell it out, then he'll leave her here. She is silent as she absorbs this, staring at the cool tile of the floor.

He waits.

* * *

"Popcorn is popping. Mulled cider is mulling. Are we ready to go?" Tony asks, rubbing his hands together.

It's Christmas Eve and even though Gibbs is still MIA, they agreed that they would still watch It's A Wonderful Life in MTAC. Vance had even given his blessing.

"Yeah, Abby's already up there," McGee responds, getting up from his desk. Bishop gets up off the floor, where she had been sitting cross-legged with her laptop, and the three of them head up the stairs.

"So Vance doesn't know where Gibbs is either?" he asks Ellie, who had spoken to him before he darted out of the office.

She shrugs. "He said that all he knows is that he said he needed to be out of town for a few days."

Tony smirks at that. Only Gibbs would have the nerve to tell his superior that he needed time off without specifying why or where.

MTAC smells like spiced cider and the thought comes to him, unbidden but always lurking.

 _Another Christmas without_ her.

And with that, the flood of memories overwhelms him. Almost blindly, he sits on the nearest chair and loses himself in thought.

The first Christmas when she asked an endless stream of questions about the holiday and he wanted to just shake her off until he realized how he would have acted had he been in Israel for Hanukkah. And on Christmas Eve, he had placed a tiny fake tree on her desk, complete with tiny ornaments and a Star of David topping it. She had smiled at him then, that almost shy smile, eyes crinkling. The smile that jumps out of his subconscious occasionally and startles him.

The second Christmas, when he was too busy with Jeanne Benoit and his undercover mission to notice that Ziva had been watching him with increasingly worried eyes.

The Christmas after that, when their partnership was still adjusting to the airing of the web of lies he had spun to keep his undercover mission a secret. She had left him little presents every day of Hanukkah - some nothing more than his favorite candy bar or a cup of coffee. Peace offerings. At Christmas, he had a poinsettia, white and green, delivered to her desk. He denied that it was him, but she thanked him anyway.

The fourth Christmas marked the start of the It's a Wonderful Life in MTAC tradition. They had just finished working on a case with the cop husband of one of his ex-girlfriends. Ziva had asked him if he regretted not having a family or kids during the holidays. He hadn't answered, but he did. Until he remembered that he had a family, and he wanted to spend it with them. Thus the movie. While the movie was playing, he sat just behind and to the side of her, so he could see her face as she watched.

Then came the first Christmas post-Somalia. He had given her a new gold Star of David necklace and she had helped him with his Secret Santa gift.

The next Christmas was when he discovered that one of his ex-flings had tried to kill herself and he was full of guilt. Until Ziva had told him that him being him was the reason why they all loved him. And then he had those glitter cannons go off as a Christmas surprise and Ziva almost shot him.

The seventh Christmas, the team had helped out a pregnant woman and then Gibbs played midwife. It's a Wonderful Life had been delayed until the day after Christmas as they wrapped up the case. On Christmas Day, she had cooked dinner for him and allowed him to choose the movie that they watched after. And he had chosen her favorite, The Sound of Music, even though he hated it. They had too much wine and danced to the songs, and then he had crashed on her couch.

The last Christmas, or rather, the one he didn't know would be their last. His father had been there, and Ziva pretended to have never been to his place before, for god knows what reason. Senior had pulled through and given him the family ring. Tony had this whole plan to give it to her and tell her that they should break Rule 12 - smash it to bits, really - but then he didn't. Instead, he had smiled at her and given her a quick, almost chaste kiss on the lips, and told himself, _I'll do it next year._

But there never was a next year, not for them.

Before he can start drowning in melancholy for missed chances, the door to MTAC swings open. "Gibbs!" Abby cries as she runs to hug him.

Tony is about to stand and make a joke when he sees her standing behind Gibbs.

Abby is the first to overcome her surprise and fling her arms around Ziva. "Oh my god, Gibbs! This is the best Christmas surprise ever!"

McGee is next to give her a hug. "We missed you, Ziva."

She smiles at him fondly. "I missed you too, McGee."

And then she turns to him.

He is suddenly aware that everyone is watching them. He doesn't bother to hide the surprise on his face - that was the point of Gibbs bringing her in without a heads up. She looks at him steadily, almost shyly. "Hi, Tony," she says eventually.

He is almost dumbfounded as he continues to stare at her as if she might be a figment of his imagination. Thoughts swirl in his head.

 _Oh, so Gibbs can get you to come back but I can't? God, you look good. Do you know I couldn't sleep for weeks after I left Israel that last time? I've missed you so much. What have you been doing? Are you the person you wanted to be? Do I still matter to you? Did I ever matter to you? I think I did but it's been so long now and I've moved on. Okay, I haven't moved on but I'm pretending to and I think it might be working. And so of course you're back now._

"Hey," is all he can manage to get out.

He catches a glimpse of one of Abby's dark pigtails bobbing just then as she hops excitedly. This drags him from his thoughts and he gives her a tight smile before addressing the rest of the group with, "Let's watch the movie!"

He deliberately sits in the front row so he cannot see her. He doesn't know where she sits, but he feels more than one pair of eyes on him throughout the movie. As soon as the credits start rolling, he says, "Merry Christmas, everyone!" as casually as he can as he heads for the exit.

In the bullpen, he powers off his computer and gathers his things, hoping he can make a quick exit before she finds him. Running from her is ridiculous, he knows, especially since she likely remembers where he lives. But if alone with her, he isn't sure if he would yell at her or confess his undying love. Nor does he know which would be worse.

"Tony." Her voice comes from seemingly nowhere and he jumps. He sees her tiny smirk and he curses himself for forgetting her ninja stealth. "Can we talk?" she asks, her voice careful.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees McGee, Abby, and Bishop heading down the central stairs. "Um," he says, and gestures toward the elevator, knowing he definitely doesn't need an audience for this. He presses the button for the elevator and waits. When it doesn't appear in a timely fashion, he heads for the stairs instead.

Once the heavy door closes behind them, he turns to her. "So how've you been?" he asks, trying to keep his tone light.

She ignores his question and says instead, bluntly, "I was wrong."

He waits for her to go on. When she doesn't, he replies, "Oh-kay. About what?"

"Everything, it seems." She steps closer to him, putting her hand on his chest. He thinks about moving away but finds himself unable to move as he remembers another time, in the middle of the woods, when she made the same gesture. If she makes another ridiculous reference to their "friendship," he might laugh like a crazy person.

She continues. "I thought I had to give up everything - and everyone - in order to start over, to atone for my sins. But in doing so, I made things worse for those I care about the most." She pauses before adding, "Such as yourself."

"Huh." That's all he can get out as a buzzing, like static, fills his ears.

She gives him that sad little smile of hers that, in the past, always made him want to wrap her in his arms. Instead, he stands, almost rigidly. "I know I hurt you. It seems that I am always hurting you. I know you have… moved on. And I respect that. But I am sorry for any pain I caused you."

For a brief moment, he wonders idly how she could possibly know about Zoe. Nobody at the office knows, or so he had thought. Clearly, he isn't as good at keeping secrets as he once was.

Then her words sink in and he realizes what she is saying. "You came all this way to apologize?"

"Yes." That sad smile again, dark eyes downcast.

This time, he smiles back at her. "Well, your apology is accepted. But you were wrong about one thing. I haven't moved on."

Her eyes fly up to search his face. "You have not?" she asks tentatively.

His smile widens and he leans down until their noses brush. "No," he breathes against her lips. She angles her face up and their lips meet.

As they kiss in the dim light of the staircase, he thinks to himself, _best Christmas ever._

* * *

END.


End file.
